A Way of Life

For years I have been trying so hard to understand what I want from life, and what I could do to make the best out of it. Four years of college life (not limited to "college" life, obviously) in a different country have constantly challenged my boundaries and characters, and in retrospect, I feel grateful for all the good and bad that happened to me. Here are a few points that I want to share with all of you.

1. Be your own healer.

I used to believe that love is the cure for every pain. But I was wrong, because there are so many types of loves that we constantly confuse ourselves and draw each other into unnecessary troubles and conflicts. I have always been a "strong" girl, like many other girls, I am used to "pretend to be cool" and "always smile, be active" on the outside. But I realized long ago that I was not so strong from inside, I was actually weak, sentimental and even vulnerable. So I used to expect that one day there will be a guy coming into my life as a savior, a healer. It turned out pretty much to be an illusion.

Why? even you met someone really responsible, he is never really going to be responsible for you. Ultimately he does not owe you anything. If you devote for a relationship it only means you really care, but it doesn't mean he will take responsibility for your choices, your mistakes and your sorrow. If you want a better life, please be your own healer, and make your heart, not appearance, stronger.

2. Face your fear.

A majority of our fears are psychological, not physical or biological. There are only 2 reasons account for fear, one is that you are afraid of failure, the other is that you are afraid of losing face in front of other people. If you had a drowning experience early in your life, you might not want to touch water forever; if you were once laughed by your classmates when you danced, you might not want to dance again in front of them, or anybody. The best and the only way to confront you fear, however, is to face it.

In order to achieve that, you have to tell yourself two things. First, I have already survived the first one, the second one can only get better. Second, why do I care about other people's judgment? Why should I stop dancing just because they think my dance is ugly? Why I cannot free myself from my past experiences and other people's judgments? It is hard at first, you have to try really hard to convince yourself. But once you pass that step, boom! You're a free man! And you will be amazed by how wonderful it is to lift your limits and expand your boundaries! It is like flying, seriously :)

3. Tell a different story.

Good speakers are always good story tellers. Because nothing is more intimate and enlightening than sharing something "personal". Don't be afraid to share your most awkward, weird, stupid or fancy stories. Because being different is a privilege, not a constraint, and you have every reason to be proud of yourself.

One of the elements of a good different story is to be creative enough to re-interpret some settled theories, philosophies, or traditions. One of my friends once told me his personal interpretation of the old bottle and stone story. Every one knows that this story is about a crow throwing large stones into the bottle, and then smaller stones, and then even smaller stones, and then sand and finally water. It basically tells us there is always space for improvement. But my friend got something new from it. He told me this story is actually about there are certain things you have to do first, or you will never be able to do them later. If you put in sand and small stones into the bottle first, you will never be able to fit in larger stones later on. I was honestly impressed when I first heard this new way of telling this story, and from that moment on, I began to really respect this friend, and began to ask for his advices on certain things. He has always been giving me the most insightful advices.

4. Reach out to other people

I know people who have tons of friends, and I know people who have very few. There might be difference in their characters, but both are good students, and both are nice persons. Why there is such a difference? Because the second group of people are lazy. They have limited number of friends not because they are introverted; they are introverted because they are too self-focused and too lazy to reach out to other people, but they blame their own character or pretend that they don't care, instead of admitting that they are simply lazy.

Just like sports may take up tons of your time, social activities can also be disastrous for your time management plan. But are you really spending your time wisely, If you are not doing social or sports? 90% of the time, you are not. If you can spend hours browsing facebook, watching TV, or calling your boyfriend (please don't let calling him become a burden of your social life, girls...), why don't you go meet some new friends, talk to them, laugh with them, or simply re-connect with your old friends!

Some people always complain that they don't have many friends, because everyone is so busy and nobody really cares. Wrong. Never blame if you yourself don't even bother to take initiatives. Just think it the other way around. One of my students always sends me emails with her personal updates and wishes me best luck with my own work. Compared with other students in the class, I am obviously more comfortable with helping "her" out if anything comes up. Bottom line: the more you reach out to other people, the more they reach out to you.

5. Do some sports

There are guys who do workout to build up their muscles, and there are girls who do workout to maintain their figures. I am not one of them. And I don't think it is wise enough to set "maintaining figure" as your goal for doing sports. Why do you worry about your figure that much, at all? Sport by itself is so much fun, and every time I finish doing yoga, get ouf of the basketball court or ping pong table, done with swimming, or exit the African dance or hiphop studio, I always feel more refreshed, more relieved, more energetic and happier.

A more personal anecdote is that I participated in sports intensively back in high school, then I came to the US and basically stopped doing sports because everyone here is so strong and powerful. I feel I could never "beat" them, for I simply look tiny in front of them. Then I realized that sport by itself is nothing about competition; it is simply about self-improvement. How many hours you stay in front of the computer every day, surfing useless websites and talking to random people? Why don't get out of the room and go to the gym to put some effort on yourself? Or simply watch a basketball game, at least you will be inspired by their spirit! I am so happy this semester, and I firmly believe that one major reason is that I began to do sports intensively again. When you look into the mirror, it should not be the muscle or figure that makes you happy, it should be the confidence built with-in, and your genuinely relaxing smile.

6. Learn some other language/culture

I was put into Japanese specialty class due to a lottery draw when I was 12 years old. A total disaster, but turned out to be the most rewarding experience of my life. Language is not just about alphabet or pronounciation. Language is social. It can honestly influence, structure, expand or limit our intellectual understandings. It is interesting that Eskimos have far many vocab for "snow" and Arabs have far many vocab for "camel" than in English. It is also interesting that Japanese incorperated both Chinese and English so Japn is one of the Asian countries that took lead in many of the economic advancements. I know people who have learned 8 languages and be fluent in like 6, and I know people who have never learned a foreign language. There is a huge difference between the scope of their understandings and perceptions.

Knowing something about a different culture is also crucial for our generation largely due to globalization. Can you tell where is a person from by looking at his appearance, gestures, or listening to his accent? Do you know that in Middle East, there are people saying no while nodding their heads? What political symbol does head scarf represent? or grey wolf, or a downward bending mustache? Can you tell the difference between a Spainish or a German? Will you know if the person sitting next to you is Christian or Buddism? Oh, and will you know that guy at the other corner of the bar is absolutely into you? It might be hard to learn these stuff from textbooks, but they're without doubt so useful and so cool.

7. Try it

Try it, but for a good reason. One of the Mckinsey managers once told me that by far the greatest task of your life is to discover who you really are, what are you strengths and passions, and what you really want. How to achieve that? By trying different things, exploriong different academic disciplines, participating various activities, challenging yourself with different internships. I know people who did ibanking, and absolutely hated it, and people who did ibanking, and wanted that for their entire life! It is ok to take risk, to try new things, to make mistakes, and to laugh at yourself. It is always better to make a mistake and learn from it now, when you're still young, than later. I have made many mistakes and I even failed on certain occasions. But I am now so happy that I have made it through and I know I have came a long way.

There are many things that you will never learn without trying it. Yet there are other things that you can learn without really doing it yourself. For the latter case, you are not looking for an experience, but a proof. Just like what Miranda did in Sex and the City, she only needs a proof that some couple is willing to do a threesome with her. And after gaining that confirmation and rebuilding her confidence, she doesn't have to go any further. Same logic, there are many students here in the US are regularly users of certain drugs. Maybe it is ok to give it a try. But before doing that, you should know your body, your control system, and you should observe how others are doing it and their reactions. Please reject the temptation of trying things out just because you want to show off or everyone else is doing it. Bottom line: Be your own judge and ask if this is really want you want.

The Battle

I talked too much about China these days. I got too many questions about China, and I read too much about China. But seriously, just like people don't want to talk about their plans after graduation anymore, I am getting tired answering these questions again and again.

American people can be really ignorant on certain things. They talk about human rights, property rights, environmental problems all the time about China. And at the same time, they go to Beijing and Shanghai once, get amazed by all those shopping malls and clubs, and never realize what is going on in other parts of the country. They don't know what's going on in France, they don't even know the so-called human right Olympic torch is passing new haven tomorrow. American people are very self-focused a lot of times, and the oval office had made decisions about Iraq all on their own without even getting through the congress, and talk about informing the entire American public!

Every country has its own problems and issues. I always think you have no right to comment on other country's problem if first of all, you actually have exactly the same problem, and second of all, you have no idea what is really going on on the other side of the world. We read "Snow" the other day, the Nobel Prize winning book by Turkish writer Orhan Pamuk. I am not a big fan of the political part of the novel, but there is this one quotation that really caught my eyes: "If you write a book set in Kars and put me in it, I'd like to tell your readers not to believe anything you say about me, anything you say about any of us. No one could understand us from so far away." It is a brilliant quotation. But I couldn't stop but thinking, it is very true that we can't understand someone from so far away, but do we really understand ourselves and each other, even when we're actually so close?

I am never a big fan of politics, because it's always connected with propaganda, which to me, is merely a waste of both monetary capital and human capital. But I did learn a lot of theories and practices in the political science and international studies courses here at Yale. I am very glad it's not just about memorization, not even just about reading, but about judgment. People usually judge too easily, but a lot of times they are wrong. Because people see things they want to see, not things as they truly are. But the truth is, there is no truth. We have taken our positions long before knowing the truth. We are born Chinese, or we are born to be Republican. We base our judgment not only on false observations, but also on our own positions. So it hardly make sense for a Chinese to boycott Olympics, even though he or she might not be completely satisfied with the current situation in China. Same logic, an American, barely recovered from Sept. 11, is highly unlikely to go against a retaliation project carried under the name of seeking WMD (weapon of mass destruction).

Nationalism is powerful, and sometimes even disastrous. It is hard not to become a nationalist when your country's very sovereignty is being challenged, or in the American's case, national security. Aside from that, religion and ethnics can also be very powerful. Think about the genocide between Turks and Armenians. Each side has their own stories, with both historical and current support from academians and politicians, and a significant number of testimonies. Each side makes the conclusion that the other side committed a crime of genocide against them, provides comprehensive evidence, and degrades the other side as a lier who betrayed the facts of history. But there are so many examples of this, you hear two completely different stories about FLG in China and in the US. You are confused for a while, and then you realized you cannot trust either side. They only use exaggerating evidence to benefit their own side, and deliberately omit the evidence against them.

Thus, judgment is not easy. I was talking to another friend originally from Cuba the other day, and was amazed to discover cell phone had always been illegal in his home country and only started to be legal a few weeks ago. I was listening to this lecture by our management school professor Zhiwu Chen on Chinese reforms, and learned extremely revealing, insightful, but at the same time, biased view on the Chinese political system, especially their distribution channels in terms of wealth. His lecture made several amazing points and I learned a lot, but I do understand any modern reform should not be done in a completely revolutionary way. We should not become the next Russia. We should not crash just because of international pressure and domestic discontent. Chinese people are smart enough to work our way out, to become our own healer. But this progress takes time. So please give us time. The whole world witnessed what kind of changes were brought about in the past two decades in China, and why are you doubting us now?!

The logic is easy. They are scared.

The western countries are afraid of a country with 1/4 of the world's population suddenly decided to develop itself with an amazingly fast rate, which happen to have adopt an ideology fundamentally different from their own. They are challenged because their balance of power is not stable anymore. It is perfectly understandable. If it's not FLG, not Tibet, not IP, not Olympics, it WILL be something else. There will ALWAYS be something to talk about, to worry about, to exaggerate about. That is what politicians do. That is the what excites the media and the public, who are generally quite ignorant on any of the things mentioned above. That is what evoke a deeper and more furious version of nationalism, and that is what makes the world crazy.

I don't like it.

Someone told me to write something about Tibet and "educate" American people. I know I do not have the right to write about this because I am far from having the sufficient knowledge on this issue, and I know there is no way to "educate" someone who is standing at a fundamentally different position in terms of political framework. Even if they can't argue with you, they will not be convinced. And I understand I will HAVE to protect my national sovereignty and dignity, even if I do appreciate some of the approaches taken by a country of different ideology. And this protection will make my judgment biased as well. That is why I am not a big fan of elections, or politics in general.

That is why I never thought of assuming any position at CUSY, and even back in high school, I was burdened with a lot of responsibilities, but not titles. I am not interested in titles, but the work and activities I am engaged in. I need to know whether I enjoy them, and whether I make it enjoyable for other people too. That is what is important for me, and what I care about. I honestly hate the political battle, and this whole thing of degrading each other while bragging about themselves just doesn't make much sense to me.

What is the appropriate response for China now? Nationalism is necessary but not enough, and too much nationalism can only be harmful. Instead of blaming other people for blaming us, we should focus on improving ourselves. We have learned so long ago that only by developing ourselves, we could become stronger and more powerful, and nobody else could take advantage of us again. Think about a girl who constantly complain that there is no guy approaching her. Instead of pure complaining, she should simply try to improve herself, both from the inside and the outside, and sooner or later her self-confidence will be boosted, just because she will then become a better person, with both a more educated heard, and a more beautiful face.

So please, instead of picking on other people, simply try to improve yourself. Ultimately, it is never a battle against other people, but one with yourself.

The Rules of Expectation--on partying in the US

I have been curious, scared, frustrated yet fascinated by the party scene in the US colleges for a long time. I tried to social more this semester because it is the last semester of my college years, and as time goes by, I thought I was finally well-prepared for this kind of life-style. However, the experiences I had both directly and indirectly challenged my "well-prepared" mindset in an interesting yet disturbing way. I said in another article that sometimes you don't need to try everything to know, because all you need is a proof. And once you get that proof, with your curiosity satisfied and confidence re-affirmed, you don't need to go any further.

What I am trying to say here is just if you DO want to go further though, you then HAVE to have the right mindset and a certain degree of moral flexibility in order to keep yourself away from troubles. In general, I'd like to share a few points, and the only thing I want to do is to picture the "right mindset" as objective as possible, and this has nothing to do with my personal feelings or moral boundaries.

So basically my point is: do not go to "dance club" parties if you are not qualified or prepared in the following aspects (Well, of course you can go, but you will never be partying like Americans.)

1. Be over 21 or you have a fake ID.

2. Do not expect that guys will approach you, and do not panic if guys do approach you.

3. Do not panic if the guy who approaches you is super-ugly, and do not expect anything if the guy who approaches you is super-cute.

4. But be comfortable with dirty dance, be very comfortable.

5. No matter how dirty the dance gets, it means nothing.

6. Girls are NOT in the position of asking, hoping, or pushing for anything to happen. In this aspect, do NOT take initiatives. You can send body language signals, but saying it out is taboo.

7. An American guy might be asking or hoping something to happen, but he will NEVER push it to happen.

8. You (girls) always have FULL right to say NO at any point. You can totally send misleading messages and then just disappear, and you don't need to feel guilty, because he won't care. Thus so shouldn't you.

9. If nothing happens, it means nothing. If something happens, it still means nothing.

10. If something does happen, and you like it. Then give the guy your number, and again, do not expect anything.

Bottom line, if you cannot lower your expectations to almost 0, it is usually not a good idea to try to party like Americans.

If you do still want to social but not in this way. Here are some recommendations I'd like to give.

1. Go with girlfriends.

2. Basically when you realize that you're drunk, you might have already done something stupid. If getting drunk is NOT your goal, you'd better not to. (Well some people DO wish to get drunk, then itis totally a personal choice, and I cannot argue with that).

3. Again, you can always reject at any point, before the dance, during the dance, or after the dance.4. It is true that basically American guys go to dance parties with certain goals they want to achieve. And that goal is NOT to get to know new people and become friends with them.

5. If you want to know more people, the BEST parties to attend to are birthday parties or some other parties of a certain organization you might be attached to. There is much better opportunity that you can really get to know more people, just by building it up from one connection to another.

Bottom line: it's all about your own personal choice. If you were not a party girl before, but now you decide to go partying, please just make sure you ask yourself the question of WHY, not just HOW. If you are convinced by your own WHY, no matter how ridiculous it might sound to other people, you have every right to go for it.

And yeah, girls, be safe.

Facts about Puerto Rico

1. Technically there are no Asians onthe island. So be prepared to be perceived as precious as pandas. True, you're under spotlight wherever you go! Especially if you travel in groups...oh lala!

2. Don't worry about directions. Just ask a random person on the street of Mayaguez (not so in San Juan) , no matter how creepy he might looklike, he will pull out a car, say "follow me", and start driving you. (For the record, 4 people drove us like this in the first 24 hours wearrived in PR. And btw, for those who do not own a car, they ride a horse!)

3. Their food is extremely salty. Mofongo is delicious for the first night, but then everyone starts to hate "fried plantains". Locals say it's some kind of banana...trust me, it doesn't taste so.

4. Tons of cute girls with gorgeous figures walking onthe beach and in clubs, no wonder is it one of the places that generated the most Miss Worlds. But in *Daddy*'s words, they "shrink" once they reach their thirties. And on the other hand, the salty food makes them easily fat. To the girls' disappointment, there are basically no/very few hot guys on the island.

5. Be sure to explore the casinos, Only $3 or $5 for each round in Blackjack, I remember it's $20 for one go in Atlantic City. So you'll have a decent good time with only 20 bucks. And if you have good "renpin", most likely you'll go home with more. If you have even better "renpin", you'll win $70 from the slot machine!

6. Some dos:
Do go to the light house on the very southwest corner of the island, and take the 10 min walk though it smells really bad at first. The cliff is something you don't want to miss.
Do go to the luminous bay around the seven seas bay on the very northeast corner of the island, it's one of the 5 only luminous bays in the world, and the only lagoon! Be sure to ask a guy sitting in the back of the kayak though, and trust me, this life enhancing experience totally worth that 45 bucks.
Do go to Ponce for salsa dance in open-air bars by the sea, even if you have never learned salsa before. Locals are really good teachers, and you might get some phone numbers too!
Do go to Cabo Rojo for its seafood, expensive, but you get the chef welcoming you at the door!
Do go to Ponce and tour around the center of the town, with a couple of friends. It's important NOT to tour alone though, you'll need a photographer, and you don't want to walk by yourself in a "ghost town". You should see some good-looking policewomen too!
Do get bikini at the beach, if you don't have one yet. They cost like 20 bucks, and they are good enough! Do wear some sun blocking lotions, guys!
Do try Church Chicken for once. In China, wherever there is a McDonald's, there is a KFC. In Puerto Rico, wherever there is a Burger King, there is a Church Chicken!

7. Some don'ts:
Do not wear girls' perfume when you go clubbing, for guys I mean. You will attract gays........And those gays are not as good-looking as the ones atYale......
Do not underestimate the complexity of roads around the airport. We get lost EVERY TIME. And sometimes people get really excited when they get lost...
Do not talk about politics. We know the special situation of Puerto Rico, right? But we still didn't expect to see a huge sign in a random grocery store stating: no politics in this room.
Do not overly dress up for casinos. Most likely you'll just see tons of grandmas around.
Do not wear short skirts to the fortress. So much wind up there.
Do not expect to get up early every morning. You'll probably get up half an hour later than the day before every day.
Do not underestimate the danger of the rain forest. I am talking about the pond at the end of that famous trail. For your reference, the stones are very slippery.
Do not go to the swimming beach during late afternoon hours. PuertoRico is usually sunny in morning and noon times, and then the clouds accumulate and might even rain in the afternoon. So try to go the beaches early. Unless you want to see the sunset.

In all, every minute spent there is like in paradise. And the most amazing part of our trip is how randomness always work out on our side!

Why we get Addicted?

The best way to get out of an addicted relationship, is to get addicted to another one. Cannot be more true. It doesn't cure anything of course, it just gets the snowball rolling. But honestly it works. It's like American politics, how are we going to end the Iraq War? A lot of times it is not the best of the good solutions, it's just the least worst of all the bad ones.
But why we get addicted at all? Why there are beautiful workaholic women? Why the obesity rate is even higher than the divorce rate in the US? Why are some women obsessed with shoes? The answer to all these questions is: escape.

In that TV drama Tianshi Qingren, the reason why the woman cares only about work is because she is disappointed by her ex-bf, who gives an void promise and went abroad, and then later on, got married to someone else. Of course the woman turned to work days in and out, and not want to think about guys anymore. In the book The Culture Code, there is this story about a fat girl's mother turning to the author for a diet solution, but after some honest conversation with the girl, he concluded the girl is actually trying to gain some weight so as to keep her mother's bf's hands off her. The mother didn't believe him of course, and forced the girl into a diet. The girl solved the obesity problem, but later on she's got skin problems. The mother turned to the author again, obviously when the girl's all slim and fit again, her mom's bf began to want to take advantage of her again, so the girl figured another way to keep his hands off her. Like everything else, obesity is never aproblem, but a solution, and exactly the solution of escape.

Same logic goes with those obsessed with shopping, or computer games, or internet chatting, and even some occasions, sex, all ways of escapes from their real-life problems, be it the pressure from work, or a depressing relationship, or short of money.

That is why I hate it when he says "I don't want to talk about it now". What is "it"? it represents love, intimacy, everything that connects two people together. It scares him, terrifies him, and good for him, because he is secured when he rejects talking. After all, he is 2.5 hour from me. And he can always retreat to his "XXX" watching. But there is nowhere for me to hide or escape. I am done watching friends and sex and the city at least twice.

I realized that I haven't been writing blogs for almost all the winter break, and I realized that I don't need to write when I am having fun. It's just like your best friend is important not because she's there to share your happiness, (well of course she should) but she's someone you could turn to when you're sad, in trouble, or you feel like a loser. Yes I realized why my writing is never happy, never entertaining in a delightful way. My writing is always disturbing, somewhat desperate, and only enjoyable in a tricky way. I realized it is because writing is my "escape", it is my obesity, my shoe shopping, my next addiction.

Yes I am addicted to writing. Because I can always turn to her as a "next".And she will never turn away from me.

The Question

To wait or not to wait, that is the question. I was sitting at the bookstore randomly going through the fashion magazines, and I was amazed by this interesting article about a woman decided not to have sex with her husband for 30 days, and she kept a tiny little diary about her feelings, her resistance, her struggle, her confusion, and her discoveries about herself. It was a week ago, almost. I only remembered 2 things about this piece now, one is that they didn't even hold it until the 5th day. After all, they stay in the same bed everyday; the other is this sentence: good relationship fosters good sex, good sex doesn't necessarily foster good relationship. And I remember it's on the 29th day. Honestly I starred at that sentence for at least 2 minutes.

Sex is like money. You cannot live without it, but having it, if comes with nothing else, means something even worse. I think when a mature woman decides whether or not she is falling for a guy, she should ask herself one important question: is this just physical? Because I was too addicted to the "sex and the city" doctrine, that I by default began to adopt some of their ideals, but frankly, I think this analysis is beneficial in terms of reducing future confusions. I do not believe the answer of "I don't know" anymore. I mean, I give that answer a lot too. But most of the time, I made it explicit by other means, be it an acceptance or rejection. When people give the answer of "I don't know", they actually DO know from the bottom of their hearts. But either they just do not want to answer it, for some people might get hurt, or they just refuse to think about it because they feel pressured or intimidated. Most of the time this is not good: if you are not honest with your own heart, how do you expect yourself to be honest with other people?!

As a result, the answer of "I don't know" put the other person into the situation of "uncertainty". People tend not to like uncertainty, because as human instinct, we're risk-aversive. Even uncertainty might mean great gain for a certain possibility, we're always afraid that we might incur a lost of greater possibility, or greater amount. That's basically all about finance, and all about psychology. But this is general. When it comes to something personal, the crucial question is always to ask, what do YOU want? The reason why the woman in the magazine continued with her diary even that she broke her own rules on day 5 was exactly because she viewed the endeavor as a journey of self-discovery. Well, there are many ways to discover one's true identity, beliefs, characters, including attending college, making the decision of having or not having sex, and when, sometimes, even where, and in my occasion, it's the question of to wait, or not to wait.

Actually maybe I don't have a question to answer, I mean I don't have an option. I only have a promise to keep. I promised to leave him alone, and I know he does need that, but I am still desperate because I don't know how long it will take. I did not feel lonely but I feel void. I deliberately bought a TV to keep the air in my room occupied with sounds so I can feel something around. Thanks God that the beginning of the semester was an excellent distraction to me. After all, it's my last semester in college, and I have certain goals for myself to achieve: courses, workout, social. I am actually really really excited about this semester, more than ever before, because I feel I am going to learn so much from the courses I am taking, and I don't have to worry about internship or jobs anymore, and I signed up for 2 PE gym classes so I'm seriously going to workout everyday, and I finally decided to mingle more with non-Asian people.

I had this problem with white guys. My German friend suggested me to practice my "flirting" skills with guys because I'll need that for a lifetime. Well, I think I can do it naturally with Chinese, but I feel nervous with whites. It's been 4 years, I guess I never really adapt to the life style of their social circle, I don't want to get drunk, I don't joke like that, and I used not to adopt the notion of spending like 2 hours in the dining hall everyday talking to people about random stuff. But this semester I do have this plan to get to know more people, and it's been working well this week. When F asked me why exactly I want to be more social, it took me a long time to figure it out, I guess it's because I hope that in a few years, when I go to reunions, I will not only remember some faces, but also remember some stories and personalities, and people will remember things about me too, not just, oh I know that girl, we were in the same college, but never really talked. But I have a confession to make, I did not tell F that the real reason I am doing this is because I need a good distraction.

He told me to focus on my own life, and might as well just pretend we're not together anymore. Well, basically that's exactly what I've been doing. If he said this very sentence to me before, I might be irritated, but the other day I was delighted to discover that I do "survive" without him, actually I think I thrive without him. I never learned the art of "letting it go", because I am always so passionate about things, if I do believe certain things are important to me, it is hard for me to wait. If I decide to say something, I say it out right and now. But a lot of times it doesn't work. It makes situation worse, or awkward. But finally I think I am beginning to be more patient with myself, and with other people. This does not make much a difference within myself, I mean, basically I just do whatever I am supposed to do, and find ways to keep myself entertained and in a good mood. The difference is made on the other person, though, because when you're more focused on yourself, and you value your own goodness and happiness more, he/she will begin to value you more too.

Maybe everyone needs space and time. Space and time provide uncertainty, but uncertainty is an inevitable and unsolvable issue here, and almost everywhere. What you can do is only to work with what you already have, and improve in ways that lead to brighter mood and greater satisfaction. Life is only too short to waste in pain. And the whole waiting process can only be rewarding for both part, when being taken in a positive way. Charlotte said "all this waiting will make it very special for us" in sex and the city, but they never really made it there, at all. A good waiting strategy has to be based on your understanding of yourself, and trust on the other person. You might never really know the person whom you have been so close with, but that's not surprising because sometimes you hardly know yourself either.

Yet after 3 days, you suddenly feel this butterfly in your stomach and you decide to reach out again. And you were picturing his smile when you listened to his voice, and he said he's actually expecting your call. Ultimately you figured that you do know something, and you do know if he/she shares that something.

And that is the real beginning of everything.

The Swan

I see people walking by
I cannot walk, so I want to cry
I hear birds singing in the sky
Or are they laughing at me?
For that I can never fly

I stay quietly in the pond
Thinking how lovely is the sunshine
As my lonely afternoon quietly goes by
Who dares to look down into the water?
Who has that pair of caring eyes?

I have been looking for you
And a way back to you, my dear home
But when I finally discover you again
You are not you anymore, and I am not me
Who lost the game? Or who betrayed?
Who turned us away? Or who stayed?

And to where we belong?
And to where we belong?

For the years that have passed
I have been trying so hard to remember you
To picture you in my head
To taste you in my mind; and I endured
The pain, only to grow and grow

For the years that have passed
I diluted my sharpness and cleared my soul
To maintain composed when betrayed
To remain silent when confronted; and I endured
The loneliness, only to grow and grow

And finally I see a swan within myself

I thought you would be opening your arms
To welcome me back home
But when I finally discover you again
You are not you anymore, and I am not me
Who lost the dream? Or who obtained?
Who turned us away? Or who stayed?

And to where we belong?
And to where we belong?

New Home

Hey people,

So I've decided to start this all English blog.

Thank you for stopping by and enjoy.

Cheers,
deniseyezi