The Question

To wait or not to wait, that is the question. I was sitting at the bookstore randomly going through the fashion magazines, and I was amazed by this interesting article about a woman decided not to have sex with her husband for 30 days, and she kept a tiny little diary about her feelings, her resistance, her struggle, her confusion, and her discoveries about herself. It was a week ago, almost. I only remembered 2 things about this piece now, one is that they didn't even hold it until the 5th day. After all, they stay in the same bed everyday; the other is this sentence: good relationship fosters good sex, good sex doesn't necessarily foster good relationship. And I remember it's on the 29th day. Honestly I starred at that sentence for at least 2 minutes.

Sex is like money. You cannot live without it, but having it, if comes with nothing else, means something even worse. I think when a mature woman decides whether or not she is falling for a guy, she should ask herself one important question: is this just physical? Because I was too addicted to the "sex and the city" doctrine, that I by default began to adopt some of their ideals, but frankly, I think this analysis is beneficial in terms of reducing future confusions. I do not believe the answer of "I don't know" anymore. I mean, I give that answer a lot too. But most of the time, I made it explicit by other means, be it an acceptance or rejection. When people give the answer of "I don't know", they actually DO know from the bottom of their hearts. But either they just do not want to answer it, for some people might get hurt, or they just refuse to think about it because they feel pressured or intimidated. Most of the time this is not good: if you are not honest with your own heart, how do you expect yourself to be honest with other people?!

As a result, the answer of "I don't know" put the other person into the situation of "uncertainty". People tend not to like uncertainty, because as human instinct, we're risk-aversive. Even uncertainty might mean great gain for a certain possibility, we're always afraid that we might incur a lost of greater possibility, or greater amount. That's basically all about finance, and all about psychology. But this is general. When it comes to something personal, the crucial question is always to ask, what do YOU want? The reason why the woman in the magazine continued with her diary even that she broke her own rules on day 5 was exactly because she viewed the endeavor as a journey of self-discovery. Well, there are many ways to discover one's true identity, beliefs, characters, including attending college, making the decision of having or not having sex, and when, sometimes, even where, and in my occasion, it's the question of to wait, or not to wait.

Actually maybe I don't have a question to answer, I mean I don't have an option. I only have a promise to keep. I promised to leave him alone, and I know he does need that, but I am still desperate because I don't know how long it will take. I did not feel lonely but I feel void. I deliberately bought a TV to keep the air in my room occupied with sounds so I can feel something around. Thanks God that the beginning of the semester was an excellent distraction to me. After all, it's my last semester in college, and I have certain goals for myself to achieve: courses, workout, social. I am actually really really excited about this semester, more than ever before, because I feel I am going to learn so much from the courses I am taking, and I don't have to worry about internship or jobs anymore, and I signed up for 2 PE gym classes so I'm seriously going to workout everyday, and I finally decided to mingle more with non-Asian people.

I had this problem with white guys. My German friend suggested me to practice my "flirting" skills with guys because I'll need that for a lifetime. Well, I think I can do it naturally with Chinese, but I feel nervous with whites. It's been 4 years, I guess I never really adapt to the life style of their social circle, I don't want to get drunk, I don't joke like that, and I used not to adopt the notion of spending like 2 hours in the dining hall everyday talking to people about random stuff. But this semester I do have this plan to get to know more people, and it's been working well this week. When F asked me why exactly I want to be more social, it took me a long time to figure it out, I guess it's because I hope that in a few years, when I go to reunions, I will not only remember some faces, but also remember some stories and personalities, and people will remember things about me too, not just, oh I know that girl, we were in the same college, but never really talked. But I have a confession to make, I did not tell F that the real reason I am doing this is because I need a good distraction.

He told me to focus on my own life, and might as well just pretend we're not together anymore. Well, basically that's exactly what I've been doing. If he said this very sentence to me before, I might be irritated, but the other day I was delighted to discover that I do "survive" without him, actually I think I thrive without him. I never learned the art of "letting it go", because I am always so passionate about things, if I do believe certain things are important to me, it is hard for me to wait. If I decide to say something, I say it out right and now. But a lot of times it doesn't work. It makes situation worse, or awkward. But finally I think I am beginning to be more patient with myself, and with other people. This does not make much a difference within myself, I mean, basically I just do whatever I am supposed to do, and find ways to keep myself entertained and in a good mood. The difference is made on the other person, though, because when you're more focused on yourself, and you value your own goodness and happiness more, he/she will begin to value you more too.

Maybe everyone needs space and time. Space and time provide uncertainty, but uncertainty is an inevitable and unsolvable issue here, and almost everywhere. What you can do is only to work with what you already have, and improve in ways that lead to brighter mood and greater satisfaction. Life is only too short to waste in pain. And the whole waiting process can only be rewarding for both part, when being taken in a positive way. Charlotte said "all this waiting will make it very special for us" in sex and the city, but they never really made it there, at all. A good waiting strategy has to be based on your understanding of yourself, and trust on the other person. You might never really know the person whom you have been so close with, but that's not surprising because sometimes you hardly know yourself either.

Yet after 3 days, you suddenly feel this butterfly in your stomach and you decide to reach out again. And you were picturing his smile when you listened to his voice, and he said he's actually expecting your call. Ultimately you figured that you do know something, and you do know if he/she shares that something.

And that is the real beginning of everything.