A Way of Life

For years I have been trying so hard to understand what I want from life, and what I could do to make the best out of it. Four years of college life (not limited to "college" life, obviously) in a different country have constantly challenged my boundaries and characters, and in retrospect, I feel grateful for all the good and bad that happened to me. Here are a few points that I want to share with all of you.

1. Be your own healer.

I used to believe that love is the cure for every pain. But I was wrong, because there are so many types of loves that we constantly confuse ourselves and draw each other into unnecessary troubles and conflicts. I have always been a "strong" girl, like many other girls, I am used to "pretend to be cool" and "always smile, be active" on the outside. But I realized long ago that I was not so strong from inside, I was actually weak, sentimental and even vulnerable. So I used to expect that one day there will be a guy coming into my life as a savior, a healer. It turned out pretty much to be an illusion.

Why? even you met someone really responsible, he is never really going to be responsible for you. Ultimately he does not owe you anything. If you devote for a relationship it only means you really care, but it doesn't mean he will take responsibility for your choices, your mistakes and your sorrow. If you want a better life, please be your own healer, and make your heart, not appearance, stronger.

2. Face your fear.

A majority of our fears are psychological, not physical or biological. There are only 2 reasons account for fear, one is that you are afraid of failure, the other is that you are afraid of losing face in front of other people. If you had a drowning experience early in your life, you might not want to touch water forever; if you were once laughed by your classmates when you danced, you might not want to dance again in front of them, or anybody. The best and the only way to confront you fear, however, is to face it.

In order to achieve that, you have to tell yourself two things. First, I have already survived the first one, the second one can only get better. Second, why do I care about other people's judgment? Why should I stop dancing just because they think my dance is ugly? Why I cannot free myself from my past experiences and other people's judgments? It is hard at first, you have to try really hard to convince yourself. But once you pass that step, boom! You're a free man! And you will be amazed by how wonderful it is to lift your limits and expand your boundaries! It is like flying, seriously :)

3. Tell a different story.

Good speakers are always good story tellers. Because nothing is more intimate and enlightening than sharing something "personal". Don't be afraid to share your most awkward, weird, stupid or fancy stories. Because being different is a privilege, not a constraint, and you have every reason to be proud of yourself.

One of the elements of a good different story is to be creative enough to re-interpret some settled theories, philosophies, or traditions. One of my friends once told me his personal interpretation of the old bottle and stone story. Every one knows that this story is about a crow throwing large stones into the bottle, and then smaller stones, and then even smaller stones, and then sand and finally water. It basically tells us there is always space for improvement. But my friend got something new from it. He told me this story is actually about there are certain things you have to do first, or you will never be able to do them later. If you put in sand and small stones into the bottle first, you will never be able to fit in larger stones later on. I was honestly impressed when I first heard this new way of telling this story, and from that moment on, I began to really respect this friend, and began to ask for his advices on certain things. He has always been giving me the most insightful advices.

4. Reach out to other people

I know people who have tons of friends, and I know people who have very few. There might be difference in their characters, but both are good students, and both are nice persons. Why there is such a difference? Because the second group of people are lazy. They have limited number of friends not because they are introverted; they are introverted because they are too self-focused and too lazy to reach out to other people, but they blame their own character or pretend that they don't care, instead of admitting that they are simply lazy.

Just like sports may take up tons of your time, social activities can also be disastrous for your time management plan. But are you really spending your time wisely, If you are not doing social or sports? 90% of the time, you are not. If you can spend hours browsing facebook, watching TV, or calling your boyfriend (please don't let calling him become a burden of your social life, girls...), why don't you go meet some new friends, talk to them, laugh with them, or simply re-connect with your old friends!

Some people always complain that they don't have many friends, because everyone is so busy and nobody really cares. Wrong. Never blame if you yourself don't even bother to take initiatives. Just think it the other way around. One of my students always sends me emails with her personal updates and wishes me best luck with my own work. Compared with other students in the class, I am obviously more comfortable with helping "her" out if anything comes up. Bottom line: the more you reach out to other people, the more they reach out to you.

5. Do some sports

There are guys who do workout to build up their muscles, and there are girls who do workout to maintain their figures. I am not one of them. And I don't think it is wise enough to set "maintaining figure" as your goal for doing sports. Why do you worry about your figure that much, at all? Sport by itself is so much fun, and every time I finish doing yoga, get ouf of the basketball court or ping pong table, done with swimming, or exit the African dance or hiphop studio, I always feel more refreshed, more relieved, more energetic and happier.

A more personal anecdote is that I participated in sports intensively back in high school, then I came to the US and basically stopped doing sports because everyone here is so strong and powerful. I feel I could never "beat" them, for I simply look tiny in front of them. Then I realized that sport by itself is nothing about competition; it is simply about self-improvement. How many hours you stay in front of the computer every day, surfing useless websites and talking to random people? Why don't get out of the room and go to the gym to put some effort on yourself? Or simply watch a basketball game, at least you will be inspired by their spirit! I am so happy this semester, and I firmly believe that one major reason is that I began to do sports intensively again. When you look into the mirror, it should not be the muscle or figure that makes you happy, it should be the confidence built with-in, and your genuinely relaxing smile.

6. Learn some other language/culture

I was put into Japanese specialty class due to a lottery draw when I was 12 years old. A total disaster, but turned out to be the most rewarding experience of my life. Language is not just about alphabet or pronounciation. Language is social. It can honestly influence, structure, expand or limit our intellectual understandings. It is interesting that Eskimos have far many vocab for "snow" and Arabs have far many vocab for "camel" than in English. It is also interesting that Japanese incorperated both Chinese and English so Japn is one of the Asian countries that took lead in many of the economic advancements. I know people who have learned 8 languages and be fluent in like 6, and I know people who have never learned a foreign language. There is a huge difference between the scope of their understandings and perceptions.

Knowing something about a different culture is also crucial for our generation largely due to globalization. Can you tell where is a person from by looking at his appearance, gestures, or listening to his accent? Do you know that in Middle East, there are people saying no while nodding their heads? What political symbol does head scarf represent? or grey wolf, or a downward bending mustache? Can you tell the difference between a Spainish or a German? Will you know if the person sitting next to you is Christian or Buddism? Oh, and will you know that guy at the other corner of the bar is absolutely into you? It might be hard to learn these stuff from textbooks, but they're without doubt so useful and so cool.

7. Try it

Try it, but for a good reason. One of the Mckinsey managers once told me that by far the greatest task of your life is to discover who you really are, what are you strengths and passions, and what you really want. How to achieve that? By trying different things, exploriong different academic disciplines, participating various activities, challenging yourself with different internships. I know people who did ibanking, and absolutely hated it, and people who did ibanking, and wanted that for their entire life! It is ok to take risk, to try new things, to make mistakes, and to laugh at yourself. It is always better to make a mistake and learn from it now, when you're still young, than later. I have made many mistakes and I even failed on certain occasions. But I am now so happy that I have made it through and I know I have came a long way.

There are many things that you will never learn without trying it. Yet there are other things that you can learn without really doing it yourself. For the latter case, you are not looking for an experience, but a proof. Just like what Miranda did in Sex and the City, she only needs a proof that some couple is willing to do a threesome with her. And after gaining that confirmation and rebuilding her confidence, she doesn't have to go any further. Same logic, there are many students here in the US are regularly users of certain drugs. Maybe it is ok to give it a try. But before doing that, you should know your body, your control system, and you should observe how others are doing it and their reactions. Please reject the temptation of trying things out just because you want to show off or everyone else is doing it. Bottom line: Be your own judge and ask if this is really want you want.