What Happened to the Moonlight?

I finally went back to Yale again last weekend for the 2009 commencement. It’s been exactly a year, everything’s still the same; everything’s so different. My fellow Piersonites reminded me of Toads, last change dance, Myrtle Beach, fencing club, Feb club, commencement ball, and etc. I was thrilled to discover K and S are coming to midtown NY to work too, and we were already discussing our lunch plans. Well, plan is always just a plan. I haven’t even officially scheduled one lunch with my former schoolmate in McKinsey right across the street yet. New York is so big; New York is so small.

"So today I will not insult you by calling you 'the best and the brightest' of your generation. Instead, I will call you 'darned smart and really good-looking,'" class day keynote speech, Christopher Buckley, Yale class of ’75, writer. I was a little bit disappointed initially, think about Tony Blair from last year, but soon I got totally fascinated by his humor and attitude. “Say cool lines”, he reminded us, and "Perhaps most amazing, most cool of all, America finally elected its first African American president. A Harvard man," Buckley said, with feigned disdain. "Okay. But remember -- it might not have happened if it hadn't been for a Yale man, George W. Bush."

Of course most importantly, he challenged the fundamental way of supposed-to-be profound philosophical thinking. According to him, “whatever!” is the ultimate answer to life’s most existential problems, and “it’s just brilliant and philosophically air-tight.” To be or not to be – whatever! The only thing we have to fear is fear itself – whatever! But whatever life holds in store for you, remember the words of that most quotable of American philosophers, Yogi Berra: “When I come to a fork in the road, I take it.” And finally…he said "Whatever else life holds in store for you, and may it hold every blessing and every happiness, there's one very cool line that you can already say: Yale, 2009 – whatever!”


I also went to the Whiffenpoofs concert that night, the same night they released their 100 anniversary CD “Century”. I ran into D in front of Woolsey Hall. I used to be amazed how he could be so popular back at school, now when he stepped up on the stage to join the current seniors with the Whiff’s alumni song New Hymn, I finally realized how incredibly confident he was. That air he wears, wins all. And I also got to listen to JP’s voice, for the very first time, so calm, deep, warm, and almost sacred. The moment when he first walked into my eyes back in my senior year flashed back again, I remembered how exactly he lifted one of his eyebrows, how he spoke with that perfect British accent, and how he smiled like a child.

Then I went up to the rooftop of that 14th floor dorm. It’s my first time ever to look down upon the Yale campus embraced in the charming darkness. Harkness tower was glowing with its usual green light as if it was floating in the mid-air; the clock on top of the Pierson College tower was still walking around with its usual steps; the energy plant next to the swing space was breathing hard into the midnight; and the cemetery around Law School was as quiet as usual with nothing to hide…E asked me, do you miss it here? I could barely look at him in the dark, and I replied, yes, yes I do.

How could anyone say a no?

A graduating senior once commented that “You come to Yale to be trapped here for four years with students who are as crazy as you are”. Right, maybe it was not so long ago that I was still uncomfortable with hugging someone when taking photos, I still remember how I danced almost one meter away from M at freshman screw, I had absolutely no idea that girls are supposed to wear bikini on the beach…but now, finally, I could look straight into your eyes, nod and smile. Being a human is as easy as that. I guess I finally realized how crazy I could be, or how stupid, or how weird, or how naïve, or how insanely normal or special. Maybe only then could we find comfort and peace within ourselves; then we may be honest with ourselves and the world.

When LL stood up, I said, your hair’s messed up, maybe you want to check it? He gently smiled and said quietly, who cares?
That was the one moment that I thought he was insanely beautiful.

“I am scared, but excited too.” I remember that line from Family Album USA. No matter how tired, how desperate, or how painful I was today, I will move on tomorrow. Isn’t it brilliant? We’re still young.

The moon was huge the other night, and a faraway friend suddenly called me up:
Hey, open the window now, and look up into the sky!

Oh my Lord, could it be more romantic?
What happened to the moonlight, and
Champagne, and roses, dear,
Is this any way to fall in love?

The Observer

Your facebook account was hacked, and it was a disaster. Your account started to mysteriously sending out messages to all of your friends with a fake facebook-looking webpage aimed at compromising more information. Then in the next hour or so, your Gmail account started to show your very own facebook inbox was flooded with inquiries such as “what is that?” “is your account hacked?” “Hey long time no see, what is it about?” from names that you may not even remember.

Don’t open the link, you murmured.

But sitting in the office building at Midtown East Manhattan in front of a huge computer screen, there is nothing else you could do. Facebook is blocked at work, obviously.

Things could only get worse though. This morning, I saw a degrading message from a close friend and bro whom I used to respect so much that I couldn’t believe my own eyes that this message just appeared on my wall posts. And the most devastating part was I don’t even know if this message was really sent by him. For someone I came to know for 3 years and who had constantly impressed me with his moral boundaries and mental strength, I would never imagine he could judge me like this, in public; and the most suspicious part of the comment is that, there is no way he could have understood what I wrote about shoes, because I did that in Chinese.

It must be a hacker, I tried to comfort myself. Whoever he might be, he’s obviously decently good with English but sucks at Chinese, with all that deliberate misunderstanding of my observations comparing shoes to relationships? Yet at the same time, I began to realize maybe some people may interpret my thoughts and ideas differently. So I asked some of my close friends what they actually think of that article. As expected, I got comments from both sides of the spectrum, but one of them pointed out it is surprising to see me care so much about how people judge me from my blog. As I have always said, this is my life, which has nothing to do with anyone else in the world.

Right, I know. I have been proud for long that I could “walk my own way and not to care much about what other people say”, and I believe only when we free ourselves from other people’s judgment could we make greater improvement and achievement. However I have to admit that I do care, like everyone else. But I care less about the fact that people judge (which is inevitable anyway), more about why. I recognize I can be a little weird and a lot of times I think differently from other people and I am very expressive on a lot of things, for good or for bad. For those who do not know me well, it is very easy to misunderstand my characters and behaviors. I also want to defense myself, simply because I think misunderstanding is unhealthy.

In this particular case, I really wouldn’t care if it is a random person. But it came from someone I respected so much. It struck me pretty hard so I had to take it seriously.

Maybe it’s not too bad a thing after all. We always have to step out of our own culture to truly realize what values we have embraced within. We also always have to step out of ourselves as human beings to truly identify the problems we have in order to grow. Actually this is the very reason I wanted to defend myself when someone thought that I have “treated the men as if they were trophies, or perhaps better expressed in my own words, "like shoes." This is one of the most detrimental comments anyone could ever possibly make about me. For anyone who could read my article slightly more carefully, he/she would have realized I am not talking about my personal experience, but simply making comparisons as an observer.

Believe it or not, I happen to have a very detail-oriented eye to see things slightly different, and many times more interesting, than other people. I have enjoyed putting down my observations in metaphors or in sarcastic ways, only because I know certain exaggeration is needed to make a louder voice, and I am sorry if that’s disturbing to you. I have also enjoyed illustrating abstract matters in concrete forms, analyzing my own emotions and decomposing factors of any reasons and results, right or wrong, simply because I believe when put into concrete languages, even obscure matters could be understood more effectively. It is also disappointing to me, my dear hacker friend, that you will not agree with this.

Maybe one day you will.

Everybody's free

I could hardly believe one year has passed since my own graduation.

I still clearly remember in the commencement speech, how Blair joked about how Yale seniors invited his daughter to our naked parties and how his daughter turned down that offer. I am nothing but so grateful to have been immersed in the liberal culture Yale has offered, and I am delighted to witness I have become a more flexible and accommodating person myself through the years. I am excited that I am heading back to Yale again (and finally again), to join the celebration of the class of 2009.

It's unbelievable how many amazing people I have come across and how much I have learned over the past year, though market has been as crazy as it could be.

A friend just told me my blog reminds him of Everybody's Free. I am deeply touched by the lyric, and I felt as if I were the one graduating again. And right, enjoy the power and beauty of youth, and please be amazed by how much possibility lie before you.

Life is beautiful, and the race is long. People, it's gonna be fun~~~

About Work

1. Success is actually a by-product, if you enjoy what you do, and you know this is what you want, you automatically put passion and efforts into it, and naturally you will become successful in due time.

2. Stay hungry stay foolish by Steve Jobs is a must read. It's all about reactions. You don't have to think you got cancer too to realize that...

3. Listen to the little voice in your heart. Even if it's a simple click of sending an email, not so different from finding a "perfect guy", it's all about decisions. Good judgment can be trained.

4. Bottom line of everything about work, your job is to make it easier for your boss to report to his/her boss...

5. Politics, is everywhere. Especially when it comes to Asia.

6. Remember to bring your name cards to any kind of social events, even though you are so convinced that people are not really just coming for networking.

7. There is no relationship between being a successful female and a nv qiang ren (workaholic? aggressive?). Think about Mary Dean, Jeannie Yi, etc.

8. Offer to help, especially to those who are senior and might seem to never need your help. Still offer.

9. Everything is going to be fine in the end. If it's not fine, it's not the end yet.

10. Don't complain. Feel free to use the F word especially after you just hang up the phone. But don't complain.

11. Be a thousand miles from over-promise and under-deliver.

12. Sometimes, it's more important to ask the right questions. As Seth wrote in one of his blogs on social websites:

Why people choose to visit online social sites:
Who likes me?
Is everything okay?
How can I become more popular?
What's new?
I'm bored, let's make some noise

None of these are new, but in the digital world, they're still magnetic. If you want to understand why Twitter is so hot, look at those five attributes. They deliver ALL FIVE, instantly.

Try To

1. Go to bed before midnight and get up by 7:30.

2. The answer is always a no unless it has to be a yes.

3. Smile when you hear a compliment, but don't take it seriously.

4. When you have to think too hard on what to say, maybe it's better just not to say anything.

5. Someone comes by and goes away, perfectly normal. Someone comes by and stays forever, precious! Do you really have to ask someone if he's into you, if he really cares? Isn't that so obvious already?

6. A previous rule was set on "no question on numbers". A new one is: never ever remind a guy that "we dated before".

7. Be a normal, healthy and happy person first. Everything else is later.

8. Emotional control, diet control.

9. Call more and message less.

On Relationship

These are the conclusions I summarized after listening to the guidance from my new relationship adviser (and maybe the only one): Mr. Big.And these are very very good advices.

1. Rule of thumb: Only get into a relationship when it makes you happy. If you start to feel sad, irritated, disturbed, paranoid or painful, you should may as well stop.

2. You have every right to be selfish in a relationship. Because bottom line, you need to love yourself and protect yourself.

3. A good relationship cannot be established just by your own effort. It demands devotion, effort, compromise from both sides.

4. If a man said he loves you, it means nothing other than the fact that he said it. If he always uses studies and career as excuses not to accompany you, it doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't love you. It just means he doesn't love you enough. And it's OK.

5. If you know a relationship won't lead to marriage and he is not the "right" one, but you still like him in certain ways, you may still enjoy the time with him by committing maybe 50% of what you have originally planned to commit.

6. Don't always follow your instinct. Instinct doesn't lie, but you tend to misunderstand it, all the time.

7. Never get into a relationship because you need a relationship. Enjoy being single, because one day you will lose the opportunity of that, forever.

8. Relationship is all about timing. He might be the right one, but this is not the right time.

9. Sometimes you need to think about relationship in economic terms. You may want to devote and even sacrifice yourself now, if you know that he is the "right" one and you will gain good "payoff" in the future. In terms of PV, you're still making a profit. But if there is"no future", and there is no happiness but only sacrifice for you"now", why the hell are you still in this relationship?

10. There is not one Mr. Right pre-selected for you. There can be many Mr. Rights, or none at all, depending on how you view it. There is not even a situation of "perfect match". It can be perfect for a day, a week, a month, but never so for a life-time.

11. Even if you think Rule No. 9 is BS, and you still desparately believe in "Mr. Right". You should still refer to Rule No. 3, always. Because emotions can be a one-man show, relationship can never.

The 25

1. I do not have a wallet, because I will lost it whenever I have one.
2. I am BIGGGGGGGGGG on sleep.
3. Abs.
4. I have finally visited all 8 Ivy League colleges, Princeton is mylast one and I visited it just today,...so missing Yale and collegelife now~~~
5. I have pretty bad temper, especially to those close to me. Sorry. I know I owe you this word.

6. One sentence I keep saying to myself: everything is going to be fine in the end. If it is not fine, it is not the end yet.
7. I love my job, seriously. Though it has long hours and market has been crazy, but I love the people.
8. I began to write diaries since my 3rd grade, and I still keep blogsat several mysterious (well, not really that mysterious) locations.
9. If you are a guy and if I don't like you in that way, nothing works.If you are a guy and I happen to like you in that way (very rarethough), I guess you don't need to do anything.
10. I think most girls are pretty. I like most girls. And my tolerancefor girls is about 10 times of that for guys. And I really feel sadwhen my girl friends tell me about their exes...

11. Things that I used to hate but now love to eat: mushrooms, medium steak, lasagna.
12. Things that I say much too often than necessary: I had a crushon~~~~or that guy/girl looks really familiar~~~(haha, btw, my mostrecent crush is Justin Long, and right, you should go watch He's justnot that into you too!)
13. I guess I have turned from a little bit too serious person to a funperson. I have to because otherwise I will bore myself to death. I amnaturally attracted to people who are unique in certain ways. Iidentify with those who are also fun and cool by character; kind andbrave by nature.
14. I am very bad at directions.
15. Sometimes I will confuse my dream and my real life. There were afew times that during the day I suddenly realized oh, actually it onlyhappened in my dreams.

16. They call me sister.
17. I love to dance. I love to watch other people dance. I love ABDC.
18. I want to go to Europe, and Latin America, Hawaii, Japan again, and maybe Africa!...someday...
19. 19 is my favorite number, coz it is my birthday date.
20. A lot of things I thought I would never forget, are alreadyforgotten. A lot of things I thought I wouldn't even remember, areactually carved in my heart. I used to try too hard sometimes. Now I dogive up, if I know I should.

21. 5 days before I turned 21, hum, something very important happened to me.
22. I never watch scary movies. Too scarrrrry~~~
23. Smile. Right, I always smile. I guess I have to. Because when I don't, I look really sad.
24. I miss the pineapple favor sundae from McDonalds in China! We don't have it in the US!
25. I may not say it often, but I miss you a lot. And I love you, and Iowe everything I have and going to have to you, Mom and Dad.

Make Face Time

Power Down. Log off. Unplug.
Have Mercy on your thumbs.
Browse the world wide something else.
Send some not-so-instant messages.
Undo. Hit cancel. Be together.
Make face time.

The subway in New York is old, worn out, dirty and sometimes sketchy.
But once in a while, you see some great advertisement lines.
They subtly lighten your world, and warm your heart, and suddenly you will feel:
It is not too bad a place to be at...and to make it better,
When you have someone's shoulder to rest your head.

I have too many friends on facebook, and there are new requests every day.
People thought it means I am popular, but it was almost a joke to me.
Why someone thinks he/she's friend with me simply by clicking the button.
Do you know me? Have we met? Or was it yesterday that we just met?
But when you wake up the next day, do you even remember my name?

Talk to me, not just saying how's it going? not just answering good.
Yes call me when someone broke your heart, or you had another crush.
Or you have a party to go to but don't know what to wear.
Or you don't know what to do, with him, or her, or with yourself.
Tell me what is really going on, tell me if you miss me.

And when you say let's hang out, please come hang out.
When you say let's hang out more, please show up more.

New York is so big, busy and exiting, yet sometimes, lonely as hell.
That's why I want to be there for you, my dear friends.
And that's why I want to make sure, you are having fun, with me.
This winter is going to be long, and cold. But you know that
I am always, just a phone call away.

And when you say let's meet up...let's do it for real.
And when we do, I want to give you a big smile and a big hug.

Make face time. Not just on facebook.

On Waiting

My Dear Booksender,

I felt embarrassed not being able to finish the book before you got back. I want to make it up so I started reading it last night. It was an excellent read, and I couldn't put it down once I immersed myself into the lines. I guess I wouldn't go so far to hand-write you a 5 or 6 pages report as Manna did for Commissar Wei, because then you might simply hate my handwriting, haha. But I do want to share some of my thoughts on the overall content of the book and some understandings of the main characters. I thought about exchanging them to you face-to-face, but I figured putting it down is the more organized wayto go. In any case, I hope it's not too boring to read my writings.

This is an overwhelmingly subtle and truthful book. I am impressed by how detail oriented and natural the author was, and how much reality the stories held. Born in early 1980s and educated under the communist regime, with both of my parents gone through the rigorous years of Cultural Revolution, personally I resonate greatly with several parts of the book. Thank you for giving me such a wonderful book as a present. Some times I feel torn apart between oriental tradition andwestern culture, and this book reconnects me with my not-so-ancient yet somewhat-remote past.

Actually I told my mom the general plot of this book and my momsaid it greatly resembles another Chinese movie/book called "General's daughter". The plots are very similar except that their Lin and Manna never really exposed their feelings toward each other and that Lin never asked for a divorce. That Manna even also had twins.

It is amazing that you could actually understand and appreciate this book, for I feel some part of the book can only be thoroughly understood by someone raised up in China. It could be easy for someone foreign to the Chinese generation 30, 40 years ago to get lost among all the old songs about Communism and Chairman Mao, all the old traditions about bounding feet, listening to parent orders, and views on virgins, and especially all the conventional sayings like "ducks and drakes" or "hire the devil to grind grain". I would have no clue what they might mean if I have never learned Chinese. :)

I feel especially related to this book because the whole story took place in Northeast of China. Manchuria and Shenyang (my hometown) was mentioned several times. Thanks for choosing this book for me, again :). I am also amused by the episodes of bicycle riding (I learned to swim and skate very early in life but only started learning bicycle riding in 5th grade, but it's a typical scene back in China, and it makes methink about my childhood, so it's quite sweet), shrimp eating, and those gossiping tongues and local scenes in the countryside (my dad's family was originally from the countryside).

Nice that I have also learned some new words in English like "skipping ropes" and "kicking shuttlecocks". It's pretty much a direct translation from their Chinese counterparts. I used to love both activities when I was a little girl, but I haven't been using those words for so long. I also deeply resonate with the old wisdom of "ap retty face fades in a couple of years. It's personality that lasts".Actually I used to put this line on my blog: A charming personality and well-shaped thoughts, are always more important than a beautiful face. Quite the same thought, isn't it?

Yet the most amusing part of the read is the interesting anecdote of how Bensheng sewed up pigs' butt-holes to make them worth more. I've heard similar stories but I still couldn't stop laughing…I guess this was the only part of the book that made me seriously laugh.

Hope that you are not extremely bored so far, because I haven't covered the main characters yet! The amazing part is that they are really typical. I know I shouldn't stereotype but I can't help it, because it is so accurate. I can easily find their shadows in many people whom I have encountered or familiar with.

Mai Dong, typical Shanghai guy. He basically only appeared in the beginning of the book and only mentioned in the last part with his loveletters, but I am impressed by how Ha Jin portrayed him exactly to the point: audacious yet vulnerable, like a small boy, and always complains. (Honestly I have dated one Shanghai guy before, no offence and nothing personal, but then I decided to stay away from them…haha)

Manna Wu, yeah she thinks too much, just like many other girls. When young, she's curious, bold, fun, yet easy to get worried; when older, she's more tempered, more demanding and possessive, yet easy to turn regretful. The most attractive part about her, though, is when she was telling the angel story. If I were a guy, I would easily fall for her at that moment, but I doubt if it would turn into long-lasting love. Yet overall, with or without marriage, she is unhappy, just like many Chinese women. "Probably she loves me too much", Lin once thought. I think he's right. Loving too much is not love anymore, it's more of control over man, it's more about exerting powers to change the man according to her own will.

A lot of Chinese women, even nowadays, are still obsessed with changing their men, they hardly ever succeed and this endeavor usually makes them more jealous and gloomy. Yet interestingly, the more they want to control the more they are dependent on men. I figured that the most distinguishing character between Easter and Western women is the degree of independence. Novels about China may have a girl leaving her family but hardly would she go as far to leave her man (Like Nora did in A Doll's House).

Lin Kong, gentleman-like, knowledgeable and amicable on the outside, yet lack of passion and will on the inside. I feel he is aparticularly pathetic character, because he has constantly struggled between his pursuit of a "good man" and a "normal man". He always has mixed feelings, don't know what Manna wants, or Shuyu wants, or himself want. It is sad that towards the end he figured that no love ever existed in his entire life, he can be indifferent about leaving Manna, and had little emotions toward his babies, (at first at least).

Yet this is again so typical among Chinese men, we call that Zhong Yong (the doctrine of the mean). He would always choose an easy way out, and not to express too much attitude or opinion. When Manna challenged him that no decent husband would do such a thing to his wife when he taught classes to those pretty young orderlies, he said "well, I've never thought of that." I was honestly stunned by the accuracy of the writer! Yes he never thought about that, I guess it's just hard truth that men could never be as considerate as women want them to be. They won't change and they don't care. Lol.

Shuyu Liu (we didn't know her last name until midway through,right?), typical countryside woman, incredibly caring, responsible, down-to-earth, willing to make tons of sacrifices, and gorgeously simple-hearted. I feel sorry for her yet I respect her a lot. She is the living icon of the rigid doctrine on women, yet she is peaceful, grief but peaceful. Sometimes it makes me painful to see how good-looking she can be with a haircut, and how joyful she can be in the end with the expectation of Lin rejoining them. Though Ha Jin never depicted much about the story from her point of view throughout the novel except for some "all right" and weeping, it is not hard to imagine how much she had silently suffered and endured all those times alone, and how much expectations she might have had for those 18 years for just one night together with her man again.

Geng Yang, strikingly straightforward and carefree, and he is an especially interesting figure to me because he represents the trend of "successful" man in China nowadays. Decisive in action, concise inwords, can be dirty sometimes, usually have unpublicized affairs with multiple women, but normally always get what he wants. I hate this kind of men. I know this type in real life, and I wouldn't surrender to their power, but I know I can't go against them either. Sad and unfair, isn't it? Nevertheless, the novel surprised me to some degree when he actually raped Manna, because he seemed pretty wise when he gave Lin those advices and said "your problem originates in your own character, and you must first change yourself".

Yet I think the story has a warm and sweet ending. I wouldn't call it sad, for these plots are not strange or particularly unbearable to me. I've seen them before, experienced some myself, and to some extent, still seeing them now. Lin was upset and touched by Hua's "we'll alwayswait for you". I'm more touched than upset, because I know that this is what life is supposed to be. Those drama and those waiting, no matter how sad, are just part of life, same as happiness and fortune.
Some final thoughts and quotes:I've been thinking about what marriage and love is, well, I have thought about this for a long time and I've asked different opinions from different people. By no means to push my own ideas, I just want to quote a few lines from the novel.

On Love: "many men break rules for the women they loved, and somedid not regret having done that even when they were punished."—is this a test of love though? Naive thinking. To what degree a man can do is more about his character than about love. I've had someone crying forever or threatening of committing suicide when I tried to break up, but deep down I know he didn't love me that much at all. He is a coward and only acted like that because he was afraid of a "sunk cost".
On Marriage: "just as many couples who had gotten married without knowing each other before became perfect husbands and wives later on",a nd "A good marriage as full of moments of cats and dogs". These are all traditional Chinese wisdoms on marriage that every Chinese knows. Actually I am more interested in knowing your view on this.

On Marriage again "The closer we are to getting married, the less attached I feel to her." I don't know about this honestly, never really close to that stage. But if you have seen Sex and the City (I know you haven't though) and Big's response to marriage, maybe you'll get afeel. Chinese mothers are worried about their daughters when they reach 23, 24 and still single. That's my mom's problem too. People always say when you meet the right one you'll want to get settled. But how exactly do you know he/she's right one? Is this really a personal decision? Is this about love? Or about an exchange of some sort…lol, am I being typical and thinking too much now? I should stop then.

Finally, just want to throw a few words on fate vs. personal struggle, or oriental vs. western views on life. I read a Turkish novel "The Flea Palace" last semester and there are several interesting episodes on the clashes of cultures. A lot of times I feel I am an independent individual, and I believe I deserve what I want as long as I try hard enough; yet occasionally I still fall to the old circle of fate…Do westerners normally believe in fate, at all?

I believe I have bored you enough now. Again, I really enjoyed reading the book and I will be grateful if you could recommend more to me, of any theme and content.

Thank you and I look forward to seeing you again soon.

Warmly,
Yezi