It's Never Too Late

An old saying goes, it’s never too late. Well yeah God gives you one chance, you blow it, then another you blow it again, then another…until one day God decides fine I’m done with it. Up until that day, yeah you can say it’s never too late. But how would you know? Maybe to some extent you know. Maybe your instinct is really there to navigate you.

But the other day I realized one thing what does it’s never too late mean? It means NOW. It means you should stop procrastinating and start doing your job NOW. It also means FORWARD looking. It’s always late if you compare to the past, but past is past, so what matters is what will happen tomorrow, the day after tomorrow.

Coordination is hard. You can’t even figure out your own life, how are you supposed to navigate others. Hillary gave an awesome farewell speech when she’s leaving the presidential campaign, better than any other speeches she made during the campaign. It’s hard for women, it’s the dilemma you could not reconcile. You have to try twice as hard just to be perceived the same level as men, then people will critize that you are losing your feminine side that you are now too strong.

But Hillary encouraged us to look forward, to embrace the future, to start off all confident and graceful again. It’s not as easy as it sounds. It demands courage and self-control, more than anything else.

I am exhausted. But tomorrow is another day.

If you know anything about me

I realized that I am first and foremost a sharing person. That is what brought me to BlackRock. That is also why after spending several days doing research on flights (not just where, when and how to find cheap tickets but what dates, even what time frame suggest the best strategies to book them), I shared the information with everyone else who’s going on the trip. They call it time the market, probably.

I am exhausted to be honest. I remember my dad, who’s simply so good at everything. Seriously everything, painting the walls, putting together a wall, adjusting the floor, fixing broken furniture or the sink, he’s better than those so called professionals…These things sometimes detracts him because he has to spend time on this after all. Then he stays up late for his papers and assignment grading, as a professor.

For me, I remember how I used to spend all my independent-studies time to lead dance rehearsals in high schools, or portray pictures on the blackboard for the parents’ board meetings. A friend used to tell me, you work more because you’re good. True, well if God granted me certain gifts that I could take advantage of, the only thing I can think of is to share what I can get with other people. Sometimes I don’t even need a thank you. I just need you to trust me, stop arguing with me, and enjoy the free ride I’ll be offering.

Sounds too nice, almost untrue.

Hardly nice though, yet very true.

I realized what’s important to me. The thing I value the most, efficiency. Efficient and good attitude, I would love you. By efficient I mean do your homework, use all the research tools as much as you can, don’t ask questions that will make you look stupid, and when you communicate with other people, be concise, be reasonable, be right-to-the point. That’s how you build your reputation. Everyone’s time is limited. People would only want to waste their time in the way they want to waste it, and that by all means would not include listening to your rambling (there are exceptions, as always. Who defines exceptions? Yourself)

Sometimes I think my girlfriends want to be with me because I have many guy friends. Sometimes I think my guy friends want to be with me because I have many girlfriends.
Ok, so what? The fact is they are with me. If must still tells something about myself, so I shouldn’t think too much.

Yeah, life is beautiful as it is. Though sometimes I am pissed and I yell at you.
You are still beautiful.

Tree Hole

They said in ancient times, people would go into the mountains and the forests to find a tree hole, and tell the tree hole their secrets, then they seal the hole with some mud, and the secrets would stay there forever.

I guess everyone needs a tree hole. People have too much pressure nowadays. Under pressure, either we run, or we endure. For some people, run is not even an option. So they endure, and endure, and endure, until one day they explode. Yet they don’t talk. They are so afraid that everyone else is everything else but themselves. People are ultimately lonely. The more, the less.

Maybe that’s why I like water. It’s liquid; it’s smooth; it floats and it heals. It demands just a crack to sneak in, but a large space to fill out. It’s like time, something subtle, yet so real. But one day he told me, don’t think about time, think about life.

Sometimes I wish I were a little girl. I would wear a sunflower dress, with a huge hat, and run into the forests to chase squirrels. Then once in a while I will stop to pick the flowers, to taste the creeks, and if I were lucky, I would find a tree hole too. Then I would sit down there and talk and talk, until I fall asleep.

I used to try too hard; now I finally learned to step back, or even step out, stop, and breathe. I have been trying to find someone who fits, someone I could trust and be comfortable with; but recently I have been wondering ultimately what I want…I guess ultimately I want someone who would listen even when I am talking about something really crazy or stupid, someone who would smile back when I am smiling crazily or stupidly.

A tree with a tree hole. A little shade and a safe place.
That’s enough for me.

The Translation for ShanLiang

I never found an accurate translation for this Chinese phrase “Shan Liang”, it basically means being kind in heart, having a soft spot in his soul, having some symphony for those who are weak, poor, hurt or sad.

Michael Jackson died. Probably he was the only other American guy beside Michael Jordon that every Chinese knows as well. There are many articles online about him. About how he died, how his company pushed him to the very last minute with rehearsals, how many debts he had burdened himself, and how different people from all parts of the world were so remorseful over his death.

Then today I saw this tiny article on how he was a person of “shan liang”. It seems right before he passed away, two female American journalists, perceived as national spies, were put into prison in North Korea. After Michael Jackson got to know this, he called up one of the famous journalists and asked him the phone number of Kim Jong-il. Michael thought Kim Jong-il wears military clothes all the time, and Michael himself likes military clothes as well, so he thought Kim Jong-il would very likely be one of his fans. So he decided to call Kim Jong-il to plea to him and to testify that the two American journalists were not spies.

Maybe this is simply a fake one. But I was deeply touched by how shanliang and even naïve he was. So naïve that I wanted to laugh, but when I wanted to laugh I felt slightly sad and weak at the same time. This story touched my soft spot and for a moment I thought to myself, so this is what it is like to be a human being.

I read this Chinese novel the other day. It is about competition, hidden rules, capabilities, promotions, friendship, love, betrayal, and ultimately trust within a large PR firm. Life is easy for nobody, and along the way many of us became less and less of a human. Some people turned into machines, some people turned into animals, and some people turned into devils…yet some remained. They remained vulnerable; they also remained strong.

Be thankful, if you look inside of your heart, you are still human.

Freaking Out

This is probably the second most overly used phrase beside the other F word.

I still remember how my friend commented that the proficiency and comfort of your English can be justified by how smoothly you quote the F word. He used to be amazed by how American kids can squeeze two or three F words with different forms into one sentence at ease. And the master came when sex and the city created the classic of “abso-f**king-lutely”.

Nobody ever cared if those were used in the right way to start with. But nowadays I seem to hear more of the other F phrase. This gorgeous raising junior I know at this Ivy school, balancing between 2 prestigious internships in NYC this summer while so many qualified peers were totally screwed by the financial crisis and had no idea what else to do other than bitching about the economy, confessed to me the other day that she totally freaked out.

I was confused. Freaked out because of the burden of two jobs? Or freaked out because she’s become the target of jealousy. Neither. The answer was half way through college life, fought her way to leadership roles in multiple extracurricular organizations and navigating her academic endeavors through English literature, financial theories and art history, she realized that she had no idea what to do with her future. So she decided to freak out.

Maybe I was exactly like that when I was her age, and I was not even remotely as lucky as she is. Yeah I guess I freaked out too, but I survived. I pushed my boundaries hard enough until one day I realized so what? Yes it’s pretty bad, it’s probably the worst thing ever happened to me, but life goes on. In this world, maybe there is nothing more exciting than life itself. And the fact that I am still hanging right here, means enough for me.

Some of my friends used to say that I think too much. They tell me 1 and I will think about 2, 3, 4, 5. Probably it’s a legitimate claim. But how could you not be thinking? How could you not be curious, how could you not be wondering what kind of person you really are, who you will become in due time, what kind of person you’ll end up with, and what kind of places you’ll end up be at…and when you have no clue to one or two of the questions, you naturally freak out.

Today at work we use freak out in a much more frequent and less fancy way:
Oh my boss wants me to read his palm? What am I gonna say? That really freaks me out…
Compliance breach, oh that freaked me out…
So what are the fees? Shoot what are the fees again? You don’t know either? Don’t freak me out…
PMG’s gone for the day? Oh no I’m totally freaking out…
Another call from Tokyo, gosh our MD’s freaking out again…
Basically it turned into anything that holds a spot along the spectrum from slightly worried to decently anxious to potentially about to breakdown.

Sometimes I laugh at myself how often my colleagues or I myself quote this phrase. It simply comes out naturally, without any effort, as if I am turning into someone who can squeeze the F word into long sentences at ease. Right I was not even thinking when I used it. That’s it. I was not even thinking. Because we don’t have time to differentiate between slightly worried or extremely anxious, we don’t even have time to run to the bathroom, or respond to a SMS, or go downstairs to grab some real coffee.

So we decided to yell out freak out without really freaking out. We can’t afford to really freak out. We just say it anyway.

I think it makes us feel slightly relieved, yeah slightly.

No Pressure

Of course there is no pressure.
There is no responsibility either.

You thought you were happy today.
Because you don't worry about the future.
Or make a void promise you never keep.

But things come together in this world.
That is why choice is hard.
That is why choice differentiates.

You thought you made it fair.
But no, you only want the good ones.
And then one day you will leave me.

leaving me to say to myself:
Oh isn't this just life?

Hey hey, time to wake up~~~

Two kinds

There are two kinds of crazy people in the world.

The first kind is crazy because they are weird, but they are weird in a way that makes a lot of sense. They tend to be charming and amusing. They are lonely too, that’s why sometimes they would fall for you if you are simply good to them. Their weirdness is precious yet vulnerable, something they might want to hide but still naturally show. They come to this world to find someone to appreciate them. And if that someone is you: you give them 1, they give you 100.

The other kind is crazy because their very existence drive other people insane. They do not make sense and they do not need to. Their craziness grows every time when other people become more miserable. The best trick they can play is to hurt someone twice, in the exact same way, and they think there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that. They have difficulty recognizing when other people are sad or mad. There is no soft spot in their heart; or maybe they have deleted that long ago.

Be careful though, the second kind can be disguised to be the first one.
Keep away from them.

Overheard

I’d like to get some groceries and put them into your fridge. Hmm I like that idea.

Maybe~~~

--Should I open the window?
--No, you’ve got enough mosquito bite on your ankle.
--Wow I’m impressed that you noticed that.
--Oh there are a lot of things that I’ve noticed.

You are wonderful.

Oh did I tell you that? You are so wonderful.

I guess I’m nervous.

--What do you want?
--For you to be happy.

Do you know why I like it? Because it’s a two-way street. It’s like how I feel when you said we are wearing sunglasses of the same shape.

--Hi.
--What’s up.
--Just checking in.
--Oh when are you going to check out?
--Funny girl.

I like it when you are analyzing me.

I feel like a kid.

Zhu!

Kuaile.

--What are you thinking?
--I think you should promote me.
--But the economy has been bad…
--Hmm, take your time.

--I can’t believe you picked green tea favor!
--oh you don’t like it?
--I love green tea…

--From sweet to comfortable, is that an upgrade or a downgrade?
--An upgrade, for sure.

Te extrano tambien.