Reflections

On September 1st I walked out of my cozy apartment on 28th street and as I was rushing to the subway station, the coolness of the morning breeze struck me. I looked up into the sky and it was the same sheer blueness, and people were still busily walking around in their summer clothes, but at that moment this little voice started to talk at the back of my head: wow, so it’s autumn again.

It’s just like realizing, wow, it’s been a year since I started working in New York, and it’s amazing how I love this city a little bit more every day.

I finally took my vacation in mid August. I admit it was a hell of hectic to schedule such a vacation with a group of people, especially if you have more than enough to worry about at work in the mean time. But it turned out to be one of the most rewarding experiences in my life: Yes there are too many beautiful people in Miami, and they have huge alcohol cups similar to fish tanks; yes the water is gorgeous in Virgin Islands and the beaches are so relaxing and almost make you never want to leave again, and they have alcohol cups come in different animal shapes at Red Hook…

But the most amazing thing is that I got really close with the group of people I am traveling with. I became the huge fan of “the cube” test after I learned it from M (rest assured, I want to thank you for sharing the test and you play amazing guitar). And my answer to the flower question is that I have many, come in all shapes and kinds, and they lie around the cube, which is true I guess, if it really represents friendship. But close friends are not that easy to find; once found, probably even harder to keep.

The other day I realized I still took too many things for granted. I was telling a new friend that H and X are my best friends without noticing I haven’t even talked to them for weeks. I would simply reply “I’m busy” when they finally decided to shoot me a line on msn/gtalk while they might have considered doing that 10 times already. I regret that I have done that to you. H, I do owe you drinks and be prepared to come claim for it; and X, you have always listened to my craps and never asked anything from me, but when you visited us back in New York I wasn’t even able to spare a dinner with you. I am going to call you this week, I promise.

And Y, it’s such a pleasant surprise you will be working right next to my building for the next couple of weeks and sorry I wasn’t even able to get back to you in time about lunch recommendations. Sometimes I wonder how we become close, to be honest. I mean for all those years we were supposed to be together but never really together at school. But I have a secret to tell you: the other day, in the cab, when I was trying to avoid the conversation about T, again, you looked at me in the eye and said, you can’t even tell me about this? Yes that was the moment I decided to be completely open to you.

I used to be very emotional. I guess through the years I learned to be in better control of myself and sometimes I am afraid to express myself too much, because then I would probably want to cry. Like to my parents, I owe them so much but I couldn’t say I love them as much. And like to you, you probably don’t know but you guys mean the world to me. And the thing that I appreciate the most from all of you, is that you are so deadly honest with me. You are the ones I could yell at, be mad at, sometimes even ignore, but never betray. If there is one offer I could give you I’d like to say: you are safe with me.

Sometimes I wonder what life holds for each one of us. There are always people who seem to have never worked hard enough but got everything, and there are always people who tried everything they can but still won’t get what they want. Why? Today I realized life may simply have a plan for you. If you are good enough, things will happen to you. The other day a headhunter contacted me, one year through my work, about a mid-year Associate level position; and the PM I had a huge crush on invited me to this game tonight (it didn’t really work out but it still made my day).

Seriously, if you are good enough, things will happen to you, eventually. This is what I felt when I first met you J. But I have to step back and reflect before I can move on. There are things people are looking for in each other. A girl looking for some rich guy is no different from a guy looking for a pretty girl. It is normal. I was once confused if I didn’t go to Yale, I don’t have this long hair, I don’t work in finance, or I don’t speak those languages, or I don’t know as many people, will you, or anyone, still like me? I was trying that hard to separate myself from all the titles, the outlook, the so-called qualifications. Then one day I suddenly realized those are me, those made me who I am today. And I would probably look at you and inevitably judge you the same way you were judging me.

So I was relieved, and happy. Because it is still amazing, that those who you care about also care about you.

So people, I want to invite you to take the ride with me. And this one is for you L: No matter what happens I know I owe you this one:

Life, not time.